Understanding Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Why They Happen and How They Form
By Robin Arnett, LCSW
Relationships are the foundation of our lives. Our families, friendships, communities, and even our workplaces all run on connection. As important as relationships are, they can also be painful, difficult, and even traumatizing. In fact, difficulty in relationships and attachment trauma are two of the most common reasons why people seek out therapy.
Something that comes up frequently in my work is guilt and shame related to ending up in an abusive dynamic. People often have trouble understanding how and why they find themselves in situations that they know to be hurtful, and even still, have trouble leaving. It is understandable to have complicated feelings about our relationships, and to want something better at the same time. As confusing as it can feel, there are a number of reasons why this happens so often, and it can help greatly to understand some of the explanations for these patterns. This blog will help you to understand some of the most common reasons for finding oneself in an unhealthy relationship, as well as ways to move in the direction of something more healthy. Awareness is the first step to any process of change, growth, and healing.
Familiarity
Familiarity feels safe, even when it is toxic. Growing up with inconsistency, rejection, criticism, and emotional volatility will mean that these patterns feel familiar to you as an adult. It will also mean that you generally know how to handle it when those conditions are present because you’ve had plenty of practice. In fact, healthy dynamics like vulnerability, openness, and rupture with repair could feel very scary if you’re not used to them. You may find yourself feeling uneasy and wondering "What’s the catch?”
Anything unfamiliar will feel intimidating and confusing at first. Beyond the fear factor, learning how to do relationships in a different way from what you were taught requires learning from the ground up, and that is hard! The process can look like observing what you do want and taking notes, pursuing healing to address core wounds, and trying a different way from what you’ve done before. But the truth is that it will all be an experiment - you have to learn by doing, and that’s never easy. You don’t know whether or not a new way is going to work out, and that requires risk. Furthermore being attracted to familiarity is something that happens subconsciously - we may never realize the similarities between a partnership and a caretaker relationship until we’re looking it in the rear view mirror. Hindsight is 20/20.
The Desire for a “Re-Do”
If you’ve had the experience of being in a situation that felt impossible to control, whether it was chronic or something that happened on a single occasion, there is likely to be something inside of you that wishes for a chance at a do-over. This desire is related to Sigmund Freud’s concept of the repetition compulsion. Freud defined the repetition compulsion as the tendency to subconsciously recreate emotional dynamics from earlier experiences, particularly those involving attachment, trauma, or unmet needs in an attempt to gain mastery, understanding, or a different outcome.
In the context of unhealthy relationships, this often looks like 1.) Being drawn to partners who evoke familiar emotional states such as neglect, inconsistency, criticism, and intensity, 2.) Re-entering roles you learned early (for example, caretaker, fixer, or people pleaser), and 3.) Hoping, often unconsciously, that this time the ending will be different. We attempt, as adults, to gain control over what we could not control as children. Unfortunately, in doing so, we often deepen the wound. This is because we heal not through fixing or controlling something that was wrong in the first place, but by choosing something entirely different.
Intermittent Reinforcement
One of the defining features of abusive relationships is the cycle of abuse. The phases of this cycle are:
Tension building
An abusive incident, which could take shape physically, verbally, or emotionally
Reconciliation, which often takes shape through apologies and love bombing, and
A period of calm, where it feels like maybe everything will be ok
The cycle of harm followed by repair or affection creates a powerful bonding loop. Within this process, the brain starts to associate relief and connection with the same person who caused the distress. At a basic level, this conditioning can be explained through concepts of behavioral psychology. Intermittent reinforcement means that a reward is given inconsistently and unpredictably rather than every time. That unpredictability is what makes the behavior more persistent, not less.
A classic example is gambling. You don’t win every time, but you win just often enough and unpredictably enough that your brain stays hooked. The uncertainty actually strengthens the attachment to the behavior. In relationships, the “reward” is emotional connection, affection, validation, or repair. But instead of being consistent, it’s unpredictable. You keep coming back for more, hoping that this time you’ll get lucky and get what you need.
Missing Pieces
Something that happens often for people who grew up with abusive, neglectful, or otherwise harmful family attachment dynamics is that, as adults, it is common to seek out the most vital piece that was missing. For example, let’s say you grew up with a mother with whom you felt rejected and that was not a consistent part of your life. Because of the presence of this attachment wound, somebody that comes along that makes you feel unconditionally wanted will draw you in strongly.
In a situation like this, it is likely that you will form an intense bond with that person and that it will be difficult to leave, even if there are problematic elements present such as anger, control, or verbal abuse. The feeling of being wanted and the knowledge that this person will not leave you will be highly compelling for somebody who lacked that feeling with a primary attachment figure in childhood. We are attracted to people that are a key to the lock of our most painful wounds. When that piece is present, it is easy to overlook other issues.
Not Knowing It Could Be Better
Perspective is everything. Based on our perspective, we will naturally develop a viewpoint of the world. If we have only experienced and observed unhealthy relationship dynamics, we will be hesitant to expect and ask for more from our lives. In fact, one of the biggest internal barriers to setting boundaries is the belief that there are no better options available to us. It is difficult to conceive of something better if you have never seen it acted out in real life. That’s one reason why it is so common for people to stay stuck in relationships, jobs, or other unhealthy situations even when we know they’re not right. Even so, I do believe that all of us have access to an intuition that pulls us toward healthier, better, and more, even if we can’t logically make sense yet of what that could mean.
How to Create Something New
The first step to any kind of change is awareness. It is impossible to consciously shift if we haven’t even identified that something is wrong. That’s why the first of the 12 Steps in addiction recovery is about acknowledging that there is a problem. The next step to change is education. Recognizing the elements of abuse is essential in being able to forge a new path. Sometimes we need to name what we don’t want before we can figure out what we do want in its place.
The journey of healing is multi-layered, but setting boundaries, seeking therapeutic support, and beginning to trust your intuition are all important steps in the process. If you are looking for change, start by offering yourself compassion for the path that you’ve taken. It makes a lot more sense from a bird’s eye view why these dynamics develop. If you can offer yourself understanding, you create fertile ground for your healing journey.
