Internal Barriers to Effective Boundary Setting
When We Get In Our Own Way
By Robin Arnett, LCSW
It’s easy to blame others when we feel blocked. When we struggle, the temptation is to point the finger elsewhere so we don’t have to take ownership of what’s happening in our lives.
This is definitely the case for boundary setting. We might say that others won’t “let” us set boundaries, but for adults, this is rarely the whole truth.
The fact is, the biggest barriers we face are often happening inside of us.
Our beliefs about ourselves, what we can and can’t do, and what we should and shouldn’t do can all get in the way of confidently setting and holding our boundaries.
Some of the most common internal barriers are:
Fear of conflict
Low self-esteem or self-worth
Finding identity through our roles
Codependency
Fear of missing out (FOMO)
Perception of a lack of other options
In this blog, we’ll get into why these blocks are so common, and how we can overcome them.
Boundaries Barrier #1: Fear of Conflict
The first internal barrier that we’ll discuss is fear of conflict. Setting boundaries triggers fear that gets our fight and flight responses in a tizzy, especially if we’re dealing with a difficult person. We may fear blow ups, shut downs, gaslighting, and stonewalling in response to our boundaries. We might even fear losing a relationship all together.
Common fears around conflict:
Blow ups: When someone yells, acts out, and basically has a tantrum
Shut downs: When someone disengages and has trouble communicating
Gaslighting: When someone invalidates your reality, often using criticism
Stonewalling: When someone ignores you and ices you out
All of these can be painful experiences, and it’s completely fair to want to avoid them. Luckily, there are ways to make this process a little less difficult. Let’s explore them now.
Facing and Challenging Fear When Setting Boundaries
First and foremost, learning to confront our fears of conflict requires a big dose of self-compassion. This stuff really is difficult, but it’s also worth it. We have to have compassion for ourselves through the tough parts, especially our bodies’ survival responses. Keep compassion top of mind.
When facing our fears of conflict, it’s also helpful to remember a few key points:
Practice Makes Better When Facing Conflict
Fear of conflict will subside the more that we face it. Most of the pain that we experience in life comes from anticipation, not the actual event. The more practice you get with healthy confrontation, the less fearful you will be.
Boundaries Benefit - Less Conflict Over Time
It’s also important to remember that boundaries will actually decrease the conflict in our lives over time. Boundaries are about healthy and authentic communication, not about building walls. The healthier our relationships are and the more authentic we are to ourselves, the less conflict we will have to manage.
Reality Check
Quite often, the person protesting your boundary doesn’t actually have any present authority over your life. This is especially relevant when it comes to relationships with parents. Somebody being unhappy with your boundary is not the same thing as having them disallow you from setting it. People will have their feelings and experiences, and you have no control over that response. In reality, you are only responsible for yourself, not others' reactions.
It’s Not Me, It’s You
Remember that someone else's response to your boundary has nothing to do with you or with the boundary's validity. If someone thinks your boundary is stupid, if they’re frustrated by it, or even if they are hurt, that’s about them and their stuff. It has nothing to do with you, your worthiness, or even how much they love you. The boundaries you set only need to feel right to you.
Boundaries Barrier #2:
Low Self-Esteem or Self-Worth
Low self-esteem and self-worth can be major factors when you’re setting boundaries. It’s easy to bend ourselves over backward trying not to disappoint anyone else, and end up hurting ourselves instead. Remember, your own disappointment counts! The great thing about boundary setting is that it can help you to grow your self-worth as you actually treat yourself as if you’re worthy.
One of the reasons that boundary setting is so powerful is that it is essentially an assertion of your own rights and your own value. When you behave as if you are worthy, you can grow and nurture that belief until it really feels true.
It can also be helpful to work with a qualified therapist or coach to explore the roots of that low self-esteem and self-worth. Trauma and attachment wounds can have major impacts on how we treat and talk to ourselves, but healing is absolutely possible, and committing to a boundary setting practice is a great start.
Boundaries Barrier #3: Identity Through Roles
One of the biggest internal blocks to setting boundaries can be the roles that we play in our relationships. While these roles can be a burden, they can also give us a sense of identity and a place in the world.
Roles that make boundary setting difficult:
People pleaser
The “easy” one
Helper
Caretaker
The one that “does it all”
If finding your identity through roles is something you struggle with, it will be important to explore approaches to strengthening your self-worth that are not related to how much you can do for other people. I promise that there is so much more to who you are than the roles you play, and using boundaries to free up your time and energy can help you in that exploration.
You may also be surprised by the ways that others really show up for you when you start to let go, speak up, or ask for help. Showing up more authentically can strengthen your relationships by letting others in and showing a fuller, more authentic version of yourself to the world. Again, boundaries are about strengthening connections, not creating barriers.
Boundaries Barrier #4: Codependency
Codependency is a major risk when we find identity through the roles of “helper” or “healer,” and it can be a major barrier to setting good boundaries. If you have relationships where you are constantly rescuing others, doing things for them, and fighting their battles, you probably have codependent tendencies.
Codependency is characterized by a mutually toxic exchange where one person is overly caretaking of another.
It can appear from the outside that the person receiving this caretaking is the only one that benefits, but the caregiver also has a stake in this dynamic. Codependent caretakers often derive feelings of self-worth and purpose from their relationships, and can also distract from their own issues by focusing on others. Being in the caretaker role can also put someone in a position of power. If this is the case for you, your boundary setting process will need to start with a major appraisal of your relationship patterns, and some internal boundaries within yourself.
This is also a good place to seek deeper healing to explore the roots of those patterns.
Boundaries Barrier #5: FOMO
Something else that comes up often is a fear of setting a boundary by saying “no” based on a fear of missing out. Fear of missing out is often called FOMO. We fear missing out on opportunities, money, connection, and fun.
In fact, our FOMO can actually come from a positive place of wanting to experience life to the fullest. The problem with FOMO is that it doesn’t factor in our natural limitations on time and energy, and our inherent need for rest. The fact is that you are always missing out on something, all of the time. When you are out with your friends, you miss out on reading a book. When you are exercising, you miss out on getting rest.
Trying to do everything all at once prevents you from living in the present and enjoying what you are actually doing. We have to follow our natural rhythms and do what feels good, vs. doing what we “think” we should be doing based on FOMO.
When we’re doing too much, we tend to enjoy what we are doing less and less to the point that it’s not even fun. This is an example of the concept from economics of diminishing marginal returns. Diminishing marginal returns is an economic principle that states that adding more of a factor of production after a certain point will result in smaller increases in output. This is true for a factory making widgets, and it is also true for your social life, your exercise routine, your professional life, or any place where you tend to pile too much on.
Boundaries Barrier #6:
Perception of a Lack of Options
Finally, another major internal barrier to boundary setting is our concept of what we can and should expect. It’s common to feel like we should just accept what we can get because there’s nothing better out there. This could relate to jobs, relationships, living situations, or really anything in your life.
The need for boundaries comes from that little voice inside that tells us something isn’t right. When we hear that voice, we often beat up on ourselves for expecting too much, and wonder why we can’t just be happy with what we have.
But we have to listen to that desire for more, because it doesn’t go away. It could be asking for more respect, more connection, more creativity, more autonomy, more authenticity - whatever it is for you. That voice is our intuition, and intuition doesn’t promise to be convenient.
When we perceive that we can’t have or do any better, this ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy because we are failing to ask for more from our relationships. It’s also likely that we’re closing ourselves off to new, more fulfilling relationships because we are spending so much time and energy on relationships that can’t give us what we need and deserve.
I can’t promise you that any of this will be easy or that there will be a perfect solution just on the other side of the hard thing. It may take a while for things to fall into place. What I can tell you is that your connection to yourself is your source for all things beautiful and true and real. In time, that connection to yourself will guide you toward new and wonderful options that you may have never considered for yourself before.
Remember too that the loss that comes with boundary setting is often the loss of an idea vs. the loss of something real. We very well may lose what is known and comfortable, and there is risk involved. But we can count on our connection to ourselves as the foundation for a beautiful and authentic life.
Setting Boundaries Is Worth It
Facing ourselves can be one of the toughest things there is, but the lifelong benefits are more than worth it. Setting and holding boundaries isn’t just about saying “no”—it’s about creating space for the life you truly want, and reclaiming your time, energy, and emotional well-being so that your relationships are balanced and fulfilling.
If you’ve recognized yourself in any of these internal barriers, know that you’re not alone, and that real, lasting change is possible. Like any skill, boundary setting takes practice, guidance, and the right tools. That’s why structured support can make all the difference.
The Intuitive Boundaries Mastery Series is designed for people who are ready to break free from unhealthy patterns and build boundaries that feel strong yet compassionate. Through self-paced lessons, real-life scripts, and expert guidance, you’ll gain the confidence to stand firm in your needs—without guilt. You deserve boundaries that empower you, and you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
