Why so many women take part in sexist dynamics, and how to push back.

By Robin Arnett, LCSW

Empowering women is my life’s work. Because of that, naming and confronting sexism is something that I do often. Sexism is prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination based on a person’s sex or gender, rooted in patriarchal systems that historically privilege men and reinforce unequal power, opportunities, and social expectations. Sexism plays out in big and subtle ways almost every day of a woman’s life, and can become so familiar that we barely notice it sometimes. We feel it in our relationships, in our workplaces, and in the way that we move through the world. It affects our safety, our professional and financial opportunities, and the ways that we feel about ourselves.

Unfortunately, sexism is not just something that is exerted from men to women, and can be even more insidious when it takes place woman-to-woman. All of us are navigating living in a patriarchy, no matter how we identify our gender. People within any oppressive structure can find ways to use that structure to their advantage, whether they fall at the top of the hierarchy, at the bottom, or somewhere in between.

Experiencing sexism from other women can be confusing and painful. When I experience sexist behavior from men, it pisses me off, but it doesn’t hurt my feelings. Experiencing sexism from other women feels like a confusing betrayal. My hope is that the more we call it out, the more we can choose differently, and the more we can heal together.

What Does Sexism From Women Look Like?

Because sexism is embedded into cultural norms and social conditioning, women can internalize patriarchal beliefs and unconsciously reinforce them toward other women. This can show up in many different ways, including policing gender norms, prioritizing men’s perspectives over women’s experiences, or engaging in relational aggression and bullying.

Often, sexist behaviors from woman-to-woman are less about intentional cruelty and more about learned survival strategies, internalized misogyny, social hierarchy, or attempts to gain safety and belonging within patriarchal systems. Building awareness of these dynamics is the first step in undoing and combating these patterns when they show up.

Asserting Gender Norms

Women are held to certain standards in our culture that serve to control our behavior and influence our self-concept. Some of the most common gender norms that we all face are around -

(1) Being “nice,” making everyone around us comfortable, and catering to others

(2) Appearance

(3) Sexual behavior, and

(4) Relationship and childbearing choices

Being “nice” often means being expected to suppress anger, avoid conflict, prioritize others’ emotional comfort, and tolerate behavior that crosses personal boundaries. Appearance-related norms place pressure on women to invest significant time, energy, and money into meeting often impossible standards of beauty. Sexual behavior is frequently judged through contradictory expectations that shame women both for being “too sexual” and “not sexual enough.” And relationship and childbearing norms can show up through pressure to marry, become mothers, stay in relationships, or organize life around care-giving roles, while women who choose differently are often criticized, questioned, or viewed as incomplete.

Even when these judgments are normalized or framed as concern, advice, or morality, they reinforce the message that women’s value is tied to how well they conform to patriarchal standards rather than who they authentically are. When we take part in asserting the norms that we are held to, we are participating in sexism. Remember too that when you are critical of yourself in these areas, there is likely a patriarchal influence behind those internal voices.

Deferring to Men

You may have noticed a pattern in groups where there are more women than men. What tends to happen is that when a man starts speaking or offering an opinion, all of the women pay attention. His opinion is elevated above others that have been offered, and all eyes are on him. I’ve noticed this is groups of women of all age groups, but it is especially pronounced among the older generations.

When a man says something, we tend to listen. Part of this may be because he presents himself more confidently, but women also play into that pattern. Think about how you would habitually regard an opinion from a man or a woman acquaintance around, for example, the best place in your town to get pizza. Who’s opinion do you value more? Who do you defer to?

Many of us have been socialized to perceive men as more authoritative, competent, or objective, even in situations where gender has no relevance at all. It takes effort to notice when you are taking part in these habits unconsciously, but it can be striking when you really start to pay attention.

Bullying

Anyone from any demographic group can be a bully, and bullies tend to demonstrate common behaviors across the board. Bullies are concerned with power, and because of this, they will take advantage of any tools or privileges that they have at their disposal.

A bully spends a lot of time assessing where they can exert power and where they can’t. A bully who identifies as a woman will understand that she will not be able to match a man in the social hierarchy, so she finds ways to exert her power over other women where she can. This often takes shape through asserting the gender norms discussed above. Women bully other women by criticizing appearance and supporting unrealistic beauty standards, using expectations around niceness and appropriate behavior to manipulate and gaslight women that they see as a threat, and by flexing social advantages such as marriage status to exert power and reinforce hierarchies.

When these dynamics are normalized, they create environments where women are encouraged to compete with one another for status, approval, and social safety instead of supporting one another authentically. While these behaviors can be deeply harmful, understanding the broader systems and insecurities that fuel them can help us become more conscious of the ways sexism gets reinforced between women, often without us even realizing it.

Why Are Women Sexist?

It can feel confusing and counterintuitive to say that women can be sexist. Why would we participate in a dynamic that hurts us? On a surface level, it doesn’t make sense, but it comes together when you look a little deeper. Sexism between women tends to develop through a combination of social conditioning, internalized patriarchal beliefs, insecurity, fear, and the ways women are taught to relate to power and belonging within our culture. Understanding these dynamics can help us approach these behaviors with more awareness and nuance rather than reducing them to stereotypes about women themselves.

Feelings of Scarcity and Competition

This one comes up quite a lot in professional spaces, and seems to happen a lot between women of different generations. Women from older generations rightly understood that they would need to scratch and claw their way into spaces that were traditionally reserved for men. Getting to that place can make it feel like there is only room for one. Unfortunately, what this ends up looking like is that rather than being mentors, many women in professional spaces feel threatened by younger women and see them as coming for their spot.

This dynamic can show up outside of the workplace, too. Socially, women are generally vying for the approval and attention of men. In younger groups, this looks like being invited to the parties that are thrown by the coolest guys, and evolves as people start to couple up and get married. The sexism that takes place woman-to-woman then ends up looking like excluding, trash talking, slut shaming, or even assuming that a woman is going after someone’s husband when they are simply chatting at the playground.

Projection and Fear

When we see someone acting in a way that we feel we are not allowed to act, something happens inside of us, and it usually doesn’t feel very good. We may get a though of, “Hey, if I’m not allowed to do that, then why is she?” For example, have you ever had that feeling seeing a woman openly celebrate a win, wear a bikini without having a “perfect” body, or speak with unapologetic confidence in a staff meeting?

These feelings are confusing and uncomfortable, and can come out as anger and a desire to control. When we feel this way, we may begin to take up the mantle of the system that oppresses us to insist on obedience. This often goes back to asserting the gender norms we have discussed. Seeing people go against the grain is uncomfortable and disrupts our worldview. We may be jealous, but we may also be fearful because we’re seeing something that is unexpected and unpredictable.

Gendered Expectations and Mistaken Perception

Because women are expected to be “nice” and to accommodate others, women who act outside of those norms may be falsely perceived when they do so as being mean or angry when they are simply being direct. Confident women may be read as arrogant, pushy, or aggressive, when the same behavior would be read as self-assurance in a man. When internal biases about how women should behave are present, it’s easy to create a story in your head to explain behavior that’s unexpected. A woman communicating directly in a business interactions may turn into “she’s angry at me,” or “she’s a bitch.” Be aware of how your perceptions are influencing the stories that you tell yourself, and be willing to challenge your viewpoint.

How to Push Back

Because sexism is so deeply woven into our culture, pushing back against it requires intentional awareness and action. Many of these patterns are subtle, automatic, and socially reinforced, which means change often starts with noticing the ways we may unconsciously participate in them ourselves. From there, we can begin building relationships and communities that are rooted more in mutual respect, support, and empowerment rather than competition and hierarchy.

Be Aware of Internal Biases

The first step to any kind of change is awareness. Think about some of the ways in which you are critical of yourself. Do you worry that people won’t think you are nice enough? That you offered an opinion too strongly in your last work meeting? These are the places where you are likely judging others as well. Do you find yourself turned off by confident women? This is internal bias at work.

Stick Up for One Another

When you see another woman sticking her neck out and going against the grain, it can be easy to simply feel relief that it’s not you when she gets criticized or scolded. But these are the times when we need each other most. Validating each others’ experience, providing support, and even speaking up if it’s possible are all critically important when another woman is singled out. Sticking up for each other can look like encouraging a colleague who’s voice is getting drowned out in meetings to share her ideas with the group, defending someone who is showing up with confidence when they are maligned, or putting a stop to trash talking that reinforces gender norms and expectations.

Empower Yourself

I truly believe that empowering and healing ourselves is one of the most important ways that we can all contribute to collective healing. Think about how many times you’ve seen someone else overcome an obstacle and been inspired. When you empower yourself to step outside of gender norms to do what feels authentic to you, you can inspire others to do the same. You can be a trailblazer for others who may be afraid of conflict or confrontation. You can show them the way.

As much as we have all probably experienced sexism from other women, we are probably all guilty of taking part in it ourselves. It’s understandable to want to take the well-trodden road, and confrontation and change are hard. But social progress requires individual change. Part of that change involves becoming more aware of our own conditioning, healing the fears and insecurities that keep us stuck in harmful patterns, and building the confidence to live more authentically. If you’re interested in exploring these themes more deeply, we offer individual therapy, EMDR intensives, boundaries education and groups, all of which are designed to help you build empowerment from within. Change starts with us, and we can all play a part.