Why Do We Feel Guilty When We Set Boundaries?
The top reasons for this common reaction.
By Robin Arnett, LCSW
Guilt is one of the most common experiences that you can expect to have when you are starting a boundary setting practice. Generally, we assume that feeling guilty points to something that we are doing wrong that we need to remedy. This can lead to confusion and overwhelm as we try to create dynamics in our lives that are healthier and more reciprocal by setting boundaries. We often wonder if we have to sacrifice our own well-being in order to make others happy, or if we even have a right to protect ourselves or ask for more. Guilt is at the root of this confusion.
The thing about boundaries guilt is that, most of the time, it’s not about doing something wrong at all. Boundaries are all about honest, authentic communication and building healthy relationships, which benefits everyone involved over time. The reasons that we feel guilty when we set boundaries are multi-layered. Here are some of the most common reasons for that guilt.
Social Expectations
Most people, especially women, are not raised to set healthy boundaries. Instead, we’re raised to be “nice,” to go with the flow, and to make things easy for the people around us, even if that means losing ourselves. Developing healthy boundaries can bring up fears of rejection and conflict. What feels like guilt might actually be an internal police officer trying to protect us from going against the grain.
It is true that setting boundaries can ruffle some feathers and bring up conflict while new norms are being established, and it is perfectly reasonable to feel fearful of this conflict and want to avoid it. Understand, however, that feelings of guilt are often rooted in projections of what other people want from you, rather than your conscience telling you to stop.
Other Peoples’ “Stuff”
When you set boundaries, others may feel disappointed. They may even feel hurt by the hoensty that boundaries require. All of this can be difficult and painful, but difficult doesn’t mean wrong.
It is true that a boundary that you set may cause pain for another person. This is hard to watch and experience, especially if you are a highly sensitive person. Sometimes temporary pain is necessary as a way to reset unhealthy relationship dynamics, especially if there is a pattern of codependency.
It is normal not to want to see your loved ones hurt. But you can feel compassion without feeling guilt. Don’t take on the consequences of somebody else’s actions, or take on what’s theirs to process. Honesty is loving, even when it hurts.
Hidden Emotions
Guilt can be a productive emotion when it’s attached to an action that’s misaligned with our values. If we feel guilty after stealing or cheating, then that’s a motivator for change. But when we’re feeling guilty over something that isn’t actually wrong, we need to get curious.
Fixating on guilt can be a distraction from other, more difficult feelings like sadness and fear that are common when you’re setting boundaries for the first time. There is often an element of grieving that comes into play when we take our power back instead of hoping that others will heal or save us. Boundary setting actually involves letting go, in many ways. This letting go process often means accepting what a relationship can or cannot be, and grieving for what never was.
Boundaries are all about honesty, and that includes honesty with ourselves. When we say we’re feeling guilty, we may be focusing on guilt rather than facing the grief and anger that often come with confronting our relationships honestly.
How to Deal
If you find yourself feeling guilty about setting boundaries, ask yourself these questions:
Do I actually think this is wrong, or do I think I am supposed to think that it’s wrong?
Did I really do something wrong? Or am I taking on the consequences of somebody else’s actions?
Is what I’m feeling guilt? Or is it actually sadness, fear, or anger?
Knowing why you are having the experience of guilt can help you to be mindful of it rather than hooking into it. Make sure that your boundaries are rooted in your values, and allow the guilt to move through you like a wave rather than letting it consume you. When you know your “why,” everything else falls into place. You can talk to the guilt that you feel from a mindful place vs. getting sucked in.
If you need support in your boundary setting practice, the Intuitive Boundaries Mastery Series is a great place to start. We also offer groups and workshops, and of course, individual therapy to support your journey. You don’t have to go it alone.
