Four Ways to Set Boundaries by Saying “No”
Setting up boundaries to protect yourself and your energy
By Robin Arnett, LCSW
Saying “no” is probably the most common way that people think of establishing boundaries, and it is an essential step for setting boundaries in relationships, with friendship boundaries, boundaries at work, and really in all areas of life. We can say “no” in many different ways, including saying no to requests, expectations, inquiries, speech, and behaviors.
Ways to Say “No”
There are four common areas where we might need to set boundaries by saying “no.” These are:
Requests
Expectations
Inquiries
Behaviors
We’ll go over each of these more now, and talk about some ways to address boundary violations in each of these areas.
How to Say “No” to Requests
We’ll start by talking about saying “no” to requests. Saying “no” to a request is simple and concrete, but extremely powerful. The gist is that you simply stop saying “yes” to what you can’t or just don’t want to do.
Requests can be invitations to parties, dates, weddings, or trips. They could also be requests for work, money, property, or time - really anything that someone asks you for or invites you to do. Requests may often feel like demands, but remember that in all but the most extreme situations, you have a choice in how you respond.
Here are some example ways to refuse a request gracefully and kindly:
“I can’t do (x), but I am open to trying (y).”
“I won’t be able to attend, but thank you so much for the invitation.”
“I’m not available to help you with this, but here are some people who might be.”
You might notice that none of these responses involves a lengthy excuse or explanation. You really don’t have to have a “good” reason for saying “no.” The fact that you don’t want to or don’t have the capacity is reason enough. If someone keeps pushing you, that means another boundary is necessary. We’ll talk about boundaries around information shortly.
Saying “No” to Expectations
We can also set boundaries by saying “no” to expectations. Saying “no” to what’s expected of you, but that doesn’t actually fit with who you are and what you want, is a powerful boundary setting practice. This process can get a bit more complicated, because expectations are often unspoken, and these expectations can exist in our personal relationships or in society at large.
For example, if you’re the oldest sibling, your family may have the expectation that you handle responsibilities like planning family holidays. Or, if you are the only women on your team at work, you might be expected to plan birthday parties in the office. Most of these kinds of expectations go unsaid, which is part of what makes them so toxic.
There are many different ways to set boundaries around expectations, but it starts with making the expectation explicit, even if it’s just to yourself. Simply naming what’s going on is a powerful first step.
Opting Out
After you’ve named what’s happening, you can take it to the next level by counting yourself out for this round. For example, you can let your family know that you’d appreciate it if someone else stepped up to host Thanksgiving this year so you can take a break. Remember that it’s important to follow through by making sure that you don’t cave and host anyway, even if nobody else says they’ll do it.
Another way to set your boundary is by simply refusing to volunteer. Let others fill in the gap and step up for a change.
Boundaries around expectations don’t actually need to involve other people, but can also relate to how you show up in the world. For example, we all face gendered expectations on what we should wear. You can set a boundary with the world by wearing whatever feels comfortable and authentic to you, regardless of what’s expected of your gender. This concept can extend to limitless parts of your life, from your professional choices to where you live to how you spend your free time. You can make this process your own.
How To Say “No” to Inquiries
Now, onto saying “no” to inquiries. One of the most subtle and insidious ways that boundaries are crossed is through questions that feel inappropriate or invasive. Remember that you don’t owe anybody your information.
The appropriateness of a question is directly related to the relationship involved. A question from your best friend will, of course, be received differently than the same question from a stranger on the bus or your mom’s friend at a baby shower.
Questions about your dating life, your relationships, your income, your body, and your childbearing plans can be very uncomfortable when they come from people that you only know casually, and you don’t have to answer them if it doesn’t feel right. This will all be up to you, and your level of comfort in that situation. You get to decide.
You also don’t owe anyone personal information that will allow them to access you. This could be someone that is hoping to date you asking for your number, or it could even be the cashier at a department store asking for your email address.
Noting what we talked about earlier when we discussed saying “no” to requests, you also don’t owe anybody information on why you do or don’t want to do something. While the questioner might simply be curious, they may also be attempting to force open a conversation that you don’t want to be a part of and that may be designed to pressure or manipulate you. You’re free to engage or not engage in any way that you choose.
Here are some ways to set boundaries with inquiries:
You can say:
“I don’t feel comfortable answering that question.”
“I appreciate your curiosity, but I like to keep that information private.”
“I don’t know you well enough to share that information.” or
“Let’s talk about something else… tell me about you!”
You may need to ride out a surprised or awkward response, but just know that boundary setting is not rude, and you’re not doing anything wrong. Your information is yours to own.
Boundaries Around Behavior
Another important boundaries category involves boundaries around behavior in your presence. This can mean behavior that is directed at you, or at others around you. For behavior that affects you personally, you can learn more here about how to set clear boundaries that will really work.
Even if somebody’s behavior isn’t directed at you explicitly, it’s important to set standards around what you will and won’t accept when you’re involved. Some ways that this can come up include use of offensive or degrading language, abusing or mistreating people or animals, substance abuse, and other harmful and inappropriate behaviors.
There will always be considerations around safety and around what you can and can’t control. You don’t need to feel like every issue is yours to solve. Still, I want to ask you to consider the places in your life where you may need to step up. Your gut will be your guide here, and you’ll feel a nudge when it feels right to speak up or step in.
Here are some examples for boundaries around behaviors in your presence:
“I will not allow you to treat her this way in my presence.”
“What you are saying is offensive to me, and it is important for me to name that.”
“You are an adult and you can do as you wish, but I refuse to be around this type of behavior.”
Having standards for behavior in your presence is the difference between being an upstander and a bystander. This is an example of how being a boundaried person makes you safer to those around you, and helps connect you to your integrity.
How to Get Started
If you’re feeling called to set better boundaries in your life, but don’t know where to start, the Intuitive Bounaries Mastery Series can give you the guidance that you need to say “no” to what isn’t serving or respecting you, and step into your power. You have a right to peace of mind. Take control of your energy and wellbeing by starting a boundary setting practice today. I promise it will be worth it.
