How to Set A Boundary By Asking for More
A new way of thinking about boundary setting.
By Robin Arnett, LCSW
A New Way of Thinking
Setting boundaries is typically thought of in terms of saying “no,” and this is often the case. Turning down requests, expectations, and inquiries, and setting boundaries around what behavior you will and will not accept is all important in a robust boundary setting practice.
However, there’s more to the story with boundaries than just turning things down. Today you’ll learn about a different way of setting boundaries, which is by asking for more. Think of this as advocacy through boundary setting. As you dive into this blog, I’ll ask you to consider your needs, as well as your feelings and beliefs about those needs. Consider what you need to feel loved and connected in your relationships and various environments, and what you believe and fear around asking for those needs to be met. This will be important information as you consider what you may need more of in your life to be your happiest, most authentic self.
Asking for More
Asking for more can be a surprising new way to think about setting boundaries. Many of us learn that we have to settle for what we can get. We don’t want to appear ungrateful, or be “too demanding,” and we don’t want to lose what we have by asking for too much. These fears are based in centuries of conditioning both within families and in society at large, so it’s understandable to carry them.
But the truth is that when settle, we go through life shutting down the voices inside that tell us that we need more. Those voices are extremely valuable, and when we shut them down, we shut down important parts of ourselves. Listening to those voices prompts us to ask for what will help us to live the fullest, healthiest, and most loving versions of our lives.
Think of setting boundaries by asking for more as “yes” followed by “no.” You’ll start with making a request based on what you need more of, and then you have a few options depending on the response. Let’s get into it now.
Asking for Help
Asking for help can take shape in many ways. Some places to ask for help may be in caretaking for children or elders, at work, or in event planning. If you’re feeling strained, overwhelmed, or burnt out, that’s a good sign that a boundary needs to be set around labor and input.
Asking for help is an area where identity issues show up in a big way. Many people identify strongly with doing it all, being helpful, and never showing cracks. This issue comes up at home, in the workplace, and in our extended circles with family and friends. You may have been put into a helper role at a young age, and the identity stuck when you turned out to be really good at it. These roles feel familiar and safe, even as they drain us. Remember that you are so much more than the roles you play. Challenging yourself to move beyond those roles is the true beginning of authenticity and self-expression.
Emotional Needs
Relationships are another place where we might need to ask for more. In our relationships, we all need affection, time, and other expressions of love. How you best receive love will depend on your preferred love language.
Gary Chapman first identified the five love languages as physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, and acts of service. If you find yourself in a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs, you may need to ask for more of whatever helps you to feel loved, secure, and connected.
The boundary in this case is that you will no longer be able to continue in the relationship in its current form if something doesn’t change. This is the “yes” followed by “no” that I mentioned earlier.
You’re not trying to force someone to change, but you are laying out your needs and expectations. If your needs aren’t met, you may need to adjust your participation in the relationship regarding time, effort, and level of intimacy. We’ll talk more soon about how to go about that process.
Physical Needs
Physical needs are diverse, but this category is essentially about making sure that you have what you need to function in a healthy way. Examples of physical needs relate to sleep, noise, food, nourishment, and safety. Asking for more regarding physical needs can be especially important for highly sensitive people, who are generally more sensitive to external stimuli.
Examples here could include asking a neighbor to turn down their music so you can sleep, asking someone who is driving you to slow down, or if you have a food allergy, asking whoever is preparing your food to make sure that this allergen isn’t present. Boundaries are essential for staying safe and healthy.
Resources
When we talk about resources, the focus is on finances, but finances are about so much more than money. We’re really talking about about energy, worthiness, and time.
For example, I have a client that’s burning out at her day job because she’s spending her evenings working as a bartender to make ends meet. Her situation is not sustainable, and she needs to be paid more at her day job to be able to make it work. Setting a boundary in this case would look like letting her boss know that she is not going to be able to continue in her current role if she doesn’t get a raise that will help her to make a living wage.
This could also take shape in other financial arrangements, such as rental agreements, shared expenses, or setting your own hourly rate. The “yes” followed by “no” in each case will take shape depending on the response. If your request is not met, you have a few different options for how to follow up.
How to Set a Boundary When You’re Asking for More
When we’re asking for more, the idea is not to try to force someone to do what we want. Our responsibility is to state what we need clearly and effectively. The other party is free to respond in whatever way they would like.
We then have a choice about how to deal with the situation. Hopefully, we’re heard on the front end, but if we’re not, we have a few options. With safe people, you may need to confront the situation and talk more about why what you’re asking for is important. These conversations can actually be great opportunities to deepen the relationship. Check out this blog for tips on how to have effective boundaries conversations.
Creating Distance
When someone fails to listen over and over, you can create distance in the relationship without having to end it completely. This might mean spending less time together, sharing less with them, or setting internal boundaries around expectations and closeness.
These changes might be subtle, but they will make a big difference in your emotional safety. This can also look like taking a break with no contact until you’re ready to re-engage. Distance is a good choice for relationships that you do still want to preserve, and for boundaries that aren’t related to safety or basic respect.
Leaving
If you’re stuck in a dynamic where you’re not being heard and distance just doesn’t cut it, you might need to leave the situation or relationship completely. This can look like going “no contact,” breaking up or divorce, leaving a job, or moving out, to name a few examples. This can be a painful process, but not as painful as continuing to settle for less.
You Are Worth It
Remember as you’re going through all of this that you are worth it. Owning your needs means claiming your worth, which feeds into higher self-esteem, healthier, more honest relationships, and greater inner peace. Asking for more is also about sharing more of who you are with your loved ones. You’ll be bringing greater authenticity to everything you do. You are worth it, and the process is worth it, too.
