How to Stop Taking On More Than What Is Yours
It’s not me, it’s you.
By Robin Arnett, LCSW
If you identify as a highly sensitive person, or HSP, it is likely that you’ve spent a lot of your life pulling overtime in your relationships. Being highly sensitive means that you are affected in a big way by the energy around you, by people’s reactions, and by disorder and chaos in general. When you’re affected so deeply, it is natural to want to do something about it. The problem is that “doing something” often turns into overdoing it. This can lead to overwhelm, self-criticism, and relational imbalance. This blog will break down some of the ways that these patterns show up, where they develop, and how to choose a different approach for more peace of mind.
Managing the Energy in the Room
Sensitive people are highly attuned to the energy in any room. That means picking up on facial expressions, tones of voice, and even energetic vibrations. All of this is part of what makes HSPs so intuitive, but it can also be overwhelming. To manage that overwhelm, many HSPs turn themselves inside out trying to manage any tension, awkwardness, or discomfort that they feel. We aim to please by staying hyper-vigilant to others, gauging what they might need or want and any moment, and trying to deliver that very thing. This hyper-vigilance can turn social gatherings into exhausting balancing acts, disconnecting us not only from others, but from ourselves.
We can remedy this problem by staying connected to ourselves and mindful of our own state of being. Instead of trying to control others’ reactions, stay attuned to your own. Allow room for your own experience, and let others have theirs. You will, in fact, connect more deeply and authentically the better connected you stay within.
Solving Problems That You Didn’t Create
Life is messy. People drop the ball, screw things up, communicate poorly, and make mistakes. Because we have sensitive nervous systems, HSPs can have a low tolerance for chaos and disorder. When things go sideways due to other people’s mistakes, our natural urge is to want to solve the problem and restore equilibrium. Beyond that, HSPs’ high empathy levels can lead to confusion about what is our responsibility and what is not. We can blend easily with other people’s energy - their stress becomes our stress, their guilt our guilt, their mess our mess.
In order to prevent overwhelm and burnout, it is essential that we learn to allow others to experience the consequences of their own actions. This is not to say that we can’t help in a pinch, but we need to make sure that we keep emotional distance, and avoid doing too much. Others must be allowed to learn and grow from their experiences as well. Don’t steal a learning opportunity from someone who may need it.
Fixing Things That You Didn’t Break
When somebody “breaks” a relationship with you through betrayal, abuse, or simply failing to show up, it is common for HSPs to feel responsibility for that rupture, even if you were not the one to do the breaking. When this happens, we tend to bend ourselves over backwards trying to fix what was broken. This can look like trying to justify what happened in your mind, making excuses and finding reasons not to be hurt or angry. Please know this: You are allowed to be mad. Your only job is to be authentic and respectful. It’s the job of the person that hurt you to find a way to repair.
Trying to fix what was broken can look like trying to make the other person fix it before they are ready, able, or willing. This can turn into badgering, over-explaining, and generally trying to control the situation. This can lead to an even bigger rupture in the relationship, and a turn of events where suddenly you are the one with someone angry at you. This is where we need to learn to walk away, even and especially when it feels uncomfortable to do so. We need to allow space to see what happens in that vacuum. Our relationships will not be authentic and strong if we’re doing more than 50% of the emotional labor.
How to Adjust
You may notice a theme here, which is control. When you are highly tuned in to other peoples’ feelings, it is easy for the lines to blur between what is yours and what belongs to others. It is understandable to want peace, order, and harmony, but we are not alone in this world. We have to allow space for other people’s actions and their consequences, even when they affect us directly.
So, how can we manage in a world that we don’t always control? First, it is essential to have a strong setting of coping skills to help balance your nervous system every day. HSPs take in a lot, and we may need to put more time and effort into staying balanced than others with less sensitive systems. Self-care is a must. When you’re feeling out of balance, you will be less mindful, and more likely to go to unhelpful coping mechanisms like attempts to control others.
Second, develop a boundary setting practice. Boundaries are not just external - they start inside. Setting effective boundaries begins with cutting cords and challenging beliefs around what you are responsible for. This is a fundamental shift that leads to much greater peace, equanimity, and connection.
Third, develop a practice around non-attachment. Non-attachment is at the core of the Buddhist faith. An essential tenet in Buddhism is that attachment is at the root of all suffering. Again - control. The more we can let go and allow, the greater peace we attain.
Fourth, practice self-compassion. None of this stuff is easy, and it can feel unnatural for HSPs. Radical self-care and surrender can challenge our beliefs, our self-concept, and the structure of our relationships. Know, however, that letting go of control and reconnecting with yourself is a tried and true pathway to healing, better relationships, and personal growth. Being an HSP can be challenging, but with the right mindset and approach, you can experience more of the good and let go of what doesn’t always feel so great. Sensitivity is a super power, after all.
