The Difference Between Healing Within and Healing Alone
Why we all need support in our healing journeys.
By Robin Arnett, LCSW
We hear it all the time - “Nobody is going to fix us or solve our problems for us… It’s not about anything external… We have to be able to heal from within.”
As much as I agree with all of these statements, I believe this story is incomplete.
Something I've been giving a lot of thought to lately is the difference between healing from within and healing alone. I think we often make the mistake of thinking that we have to do it all by ourselves. This lines up nicely with the traditional "go it alone" attitude that characterizes our culture in many ways. Although nobody can do it for you, or give it to you, healing from within actually involves seeking support.
Not only is it ok to seek support from others, loving support is essential for foundational healing to take place.
Survival Through Connection
Human beings are inherently social - we don’t survive without one another. Throughout the course of human history, we have lived in tribes and communities. Our ability to work together, specialize, and pass on knowledge through generations is the key to our ability to inhabit diverse climates, make it through disasters, and advance technology as our needs shift and change. While the myth of the “Lone Ranger” may be dominant in American culture, solo survival is not the natural way, nor the most successful.
Survival through connection bears out in developmental psychology as well. Think about the first thing that you do when you encounter something novel like a loud noise that you can’t place or immediately explain. Our first response is to look around to see what the other humans around us are doing and how they are reacting. This is an example of social referencing, which starts as early as infancy.
Social connection is also fundamental to mental health. In fact, most psychiatric disorders involve some aspect of social dysfunction. Social deafferentation hypothesis even suggests that when a person experiences social isolation or reduced social input, the brain may generate internal social experiences (such as voices or delusions) to compensate for the lack of normal social stimulation. All of this is to say that connection is not just the icing on the cake - it is crucial to our health and safety, both mental and physical.
The Magic of Vulnerability
It’s likely that by now you’ve heard of Brené Brown, and I still find her work to be innovative and important. I come back to this TEDTalk again and again, and often recommend it to clients. Dr. Brown suggests that vulnerability is the key to “whole-hearted living.” Living whole-heartedly means living in connection, authenticity, integrity, and joy. Connection requires empathy, and there is no empathy without vulnerability.
When we shield ourselves from real connection with avoidance or social masks, we may be protected, but our healing is stalled. When we open ourselves up to vulnerability and are received in that tender place, we experience the beauty of being seen and valued exactly as we are. Without connection, we don’t open that door of vulnerability that is so important for the healing process.
Healing Can Be Lonely
Another reason why it’s so important to have healing through connection is that the healing process often involves setting boundaries that create a relational vacuum. Before we can have the space and safety that we need to heal internally, we will likely need to separate ourselves physically and/or emotionally from people that have wounded us in the past, and continue to do so through toxic patterns. An encouraging and compassionate therapist can be an important support in this process.
How is it done?
Seeking support can take many forms. It could look like talking to trusted loved ones, or seeking the support of a therapist, a sponsor, or a group. I find therapeutic support groups to be an especially effective way to heal through connection with a safe container. In groups, you have the guidance of a trained professional to help maintain boundaries and create space for everyone, but at the same time, the members of the group are able to support one another organically.
While of course I believe strongly in the magic of therapy, part of the therapeutic process should be moving toward closure. The therapeutic relationship is a crucial starting place for safe, vulnerable connection, but it is a different kind of vulnerable act to connect with someone that isn't a professional. This is why sometimes it's important for a therapeutic relationship to end, and that's also part of why groups are so powerful. The people in your group are not getting paid, which fosters a more reciprocal relationship. By that same token, the relationships in your real life will be where the work that you do in therapy really takes off.
The Right Kind of Support
Healing is a two-way street. Doing the internal work that you need to do inevitably leads to healthier relationships. By that same token, healthier relationships feed and nurture your mental health. It’s a virtuous cycle. In the end, it's essential both to heal from within, and to heal through loving and authentic support. The success of each depends on the other.
If now feels like the right time for you to seek your own healing, reach out to schedule a free therapy consultation, or check out our offerings to learn more about approaches to individual therapy, groups, retreats, and more. Healing is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone.
